Just looking at the blurb for the misspelled “The Raccoon” episode of Little House on the Prairie, and I know it’s going to rank up there with “If I Should Wake Before I Die” as one of the more frustrating episodes viewed so far. Let’s see if I’m right.
Sidenote: The beautiful thing about streaming is that you can skip the opening intro. Because I am already tired of the opening credits and, if I remember correctly, they didn’t change for years.
Little House on the Prairie: Season 1, Episode 10, The Racoon, or, Spelled Correctly, The Raccoon
We open with Laura sitting on a log, holding a doll, while Mary and Jack approach. Mary asks Laura to play ball, but Laura wants to play tea party with her doll, Janet. Which is such a Laura thing to do. Not.
Mary tells Laura she can do that later. Laura guesses Janet, an inanimate object, won’t mind. Which makes Mary happy because she needs the practice playing ball. Laura kisses Janet and lays her down on the log. And in what upside-down world are we that Laura is playing tea party with a doll and Mary wants to cultivate her pitching skills?
Fun Fact: The real Charles Ingalls would never be able to afford a doll as nice as Janet. The real Laura Ingalls’ first doll was a corn cob, until her mother gave her a rag doll named Charlotte (in the books) and Roxy (in real life). The real Ingalls family was too poor for such finery. Digression over.
Let’s move along to the plot device ball game.
Mary throws the ball over Laura’s head, and Laura falls over the log, crushing Janet in the process. Laura cries over killing Janet, and Mary apologizes.
That night, Pa is gluing Headless Janet together, and Ma tells him Laura is an unhappy girl. Pa says that Laura will be just as unhappy tomorrow, as there’s no way he can glue that doll back together.
A moment of silence as we pour one out for Headless Janet.
Ma looks at Pa and asks if he supposes they could afford…..but the answer to that unfinished question is no. We can’t afford. Not sure how they could afford the first one. Pa must not be a good saver, considering he walked 100 miles to earn some money this season.
The next day, Mary is at Oleson’s Mercantile shopping for a new doll. Unfortunately, Mary only has eleven cents, and dolls like Janet cost a lot more than that.
Cut to Jack barking at a bush. Or in a bush. “Jack! What are you doing here?” yells Mary. Jack doesn’t respond because he’s a dog and has no clue what she’s asking him. Mary pulls Jack out of the bush only to find a little raccoon. Or racoon.
Introducing Jasper
In the next inexplicable scene, Laura is in the kitchen, holding this not-so-baby-looking baby raccoon, while Ma doesn’t bat an eyelash. Because what can possibly go wrong, Ma, with a raccoon that was out in broad daylight now licking your daughter’s hand as she holds his hairy, ferile body inside the house over the green beans you’re snapping?
Mary tells Laura she brought it home just for her, and Laura promises to share. Laura brings him to Carrie, who also pets him and threatens to put a big ribbon around his neck, something I am sure he’s going to love. Laura wants her new friend to sleep in her bed, but Ma thinks not. Finally, Ma speaks. He’s never lived in a house, she MaSplains to Laura, and he might not remember his manners.
This whole family is absolutely bonkers. Just tell her she can’t take a wild animal to bed, Ma.
Laura wants to name the Raccoon Jasper. Ma only says, “We’ll see.” You can tell she wants Pa to be the final say bad guy, but we all know that Pa is too wussy for that.
Pa walks in and sees a wide, smiling Laura, sitting in a chair, holding a raccoon. “Hi, Pa,” she says as if this is something normal. Pa has a look on his face as if this is not something normal. “Where’d you get the raccoon?” he asks. “Mary gave him to me,” she answered. Again, like this is all a normal family conversation. Mary tells Pa she found him out in the woods, and Pa isn’t looking very impressed.
Laura tells Pa she’s going to make a pet out of him, and Pa doesn’t think so. Mary explains that she gave Laura the raccoon so she wouldn’t miss the doll that Laura only had for one episode. Pa says that it just wouldn’t work. Animals aren’t kittens or puppies, and it wouldn’t make sense to have him in the house. Mary wants Pa to see how gentle the raccoon is. She wouldn’t have brought him home if he weren’t. Oh, Mary. Even Cujo was gentle once.
PaSplainin’ that the raccoon is only gentle because he’s a baby and he can’t be counted on like, say, a dog (the aforementioned Cujo excluded), Pa says a raccoon could really hurt someone. Laura thinks that if the raccoon grows up with them, it will be tame. Pa says that if that was the case, it would be the first tame raccoon he ever saw, and he’s seen a lot. No more arguing. Pa tells Laura she can play with him, but she has to turn him loose outside.
“You wouldn’t let Carrie loose outside, would you?” Laura asked. Ma thinks that’s a very silly thing to say, and Laura needs to do as her father says. Mary apologizes to Laura and shoots Pa a dirty look, saying she never thought he’d say no. I agree with Mary that Pa needs to say no a little more often. His girls are quite sassy.
Ma is tearing her string beans with purpose. This is a woman with something on her mind. Pa asks Ma if she thinks he was wrong, but Ma thinks what he said was very sensible. It’s just that Laura is missing her doll so much. Which is the best excuse for bringing a wild animal into the house? Pa relents and says that he can’t have his women thinking he was the meanest man in Minnesota.
Oh, for goodness ‘ sake.
In Which Pa Caves
Pa goes out and tells Laura that she’s allowed to keep the raccoon, and the girls all love Pa again. Pa tells Laura he can take care of Jasper until he’s old enough to take care of himself (which really looks like now), and he can’t come in the house. Sensible.
In the barn, Laura continues to cuddle Jasper, and now she’s adding some baby talk to the mix. Mary makes a crate with hay for him to sleep in. Laura thinks Jasper would be much happier in their room, and Mary reminds her of what Pa said. I think Laura needs to quit while she’s ahead and be happy that wishy-washy Pa changed his mind and let her keep her wild animal. Jack barks at Jasper because he’s a smart dog who knows that raccoons aren’t pets.
An undisclosed time later, Ma is plating up something grayish white. It must be breakfast because Mary is talking about how Laura is bringing Jasper to school. Apparently, Miss Beadle has also lost her mind and is allowing Laura to bring her wild animal to class because everyone has heard so much about it. That’s some responsible adulting, right there.
Jasper Goes to School
Laura has Jasper on a short rope that looks a little tight around the neck. Poor Jasper. The torture continues as the girls try to get the raccoon to stand up, still with the short, tight leash. As they walk away, Jack begins growling and chasing Jasper, and do you know why? Because that’s what dogs do, and what they are taught to do. They are trained to keep the varmints away, and Jasper is a varmint. Good boy, Jack.
Laura literally drags Jasper along on his leash that is tight around the neck, and I’m wondering where animal welfare is.
At school, Laura has Jasper, who isn’t looking like he wants to be there, on the teacher’s desk while all the kids stand around the poor thing. Mrs. Beadle asks the students if they know what Raccoons eat, you know, to make this into a lesson. Jasper is trying to exit the desk, and Laura keeps pulling him back by his rope, and I am feeling sorrier and sorrier for this poor, abused creature.
A red-headed kid tells Laura that there are raccoons around his family’s place all the time, and they’re not so special. Laura tells him Jasper is special because he’s trained. Miss Beadle tells Laura she agrees, and Laura then asks everyone if they want to see Jasper eat an egg. Of course, they do because the alternative is math and reading.
Miss Beadle tells Laura she did a remarkable job of training a wild animal, and I’m just happy that she recognizes that Jasper is, indeed, a wild animal. I am willing to die on that hill, even if the Looney Tunes in Walnut Grove aren’t willing to make any such admission. Miss Beadle then tells the class that they have to write an essay on what kind of wild animal they would like to have. Because let’s get all the kids interested in the Hero County Adopt a Wild Animal Program. That’s some responsible teaching right there.
One of the students asks if she could hold him, and Jasper snarls as she gets close. Laura says it’s because they’re too close and scaring him. I think it’s because it’s a wild raccoon with a time rope around its neck, being forced to do tricks for eggs. Miss Beadle tells the kids to be careful because Jasper could bite, and Laura takes issue.
“Jasper” Goes Inside
An undisclosed period of time later, Laura is in her Sunday Goin’ to Meetin’ dress and braids and runs off to say good morning to Jasper while Pa prepares the wagon. Unlike school, raccoons aren’t allowed in church. Laura compromises by bribing Jasper with an egg if he does a trick where he hides his eyes. Laura says goodbye and closes the barn door, but not really. Before you can say “plot device,” Jasper walks out the barn door, and can you blame him?
Well, Jasper must have eaten some radioactive eggs because he’s much bigger and his face is much lighter as he runs around after the chickens. Jack barks as Jasper runs alongside the house and climbs up the woodpile. The Ingalls are as good window closers as they are door closers because Jasper pushes open the window to Ma and Pa’s bedroom and goes inside.
Can we all agree that this big raccoon isn’t Jasper?
Jack barks outside and jumps up and down while Fake Jasper runs around inside. Ma is so going to love coming home to raccoon poop everywhere.
The Ingalls family is riding home from church, and we learn that Nellie Oleson wants a baby raccoon now, and Laura thinks she’s not the only one. So she is going to do the logical thing and become a baby raccoon dealer.
As they pull up, Jack is barking at the front door. Fake Jasper does the eye-hiding trick and runs out of the house as the family opens the door. The house is a fright. Things are knocked over and spilled and broken. Pa says it’s time for Jasper to go.
Laura goes into the barn where Fake Jasper fled to and gives him a lecture.
Will someone please notice the size and girth of this raccoon?
Pa grabs a burlap bag and tells Laura he’s taking Jasper back to the woods where he belongs. Laura says that Jasper is a baby, and he tells her not to argue or start crying. Pa rides his wagon off to an undisclosed, not very wooded-looking location, and lets the raccoon that’s obviously not Jasper and obviously not a baby out of the bag.
In Which Pa Caves Again
I might add that Pa is not looking very sad at this moment. Jasper runs off towards some trees, and Pa happily climbs back into the wagon.
When Pa comes back, the real Jasper is in the barn playing peekaboo with Laura. Laura tells Pa that Jasper was lonely out there or similar nonsense. And still, no one notices that this is not the same raccoon that was wreaking havoc on their kitchen a few mere minutes ago.
“What are you going to do, Pa?” asks Laura. Pa’s solution is to put Jasper in a cage, where he paces back and forth like an anxious jailbird.
Laura and Mary drag Jack into the barn, where he (rightfully so) barks at Jasper. Laura yells at Jasper to be quiet. Poor Jack. I also remember a time when Laura loved you best.
As Laura opens the door to Jasper’s cage to feed him, Jack barking up a frenzy behind her, Jasper bites her hand and runs out of the cage. Then Jack really makes his voice heard. Jasper fights back and runs out of the barn. Mary notices that Jasper also bit Jack.
And do you know why? Because this is what happens when you put a wild animal in a cage. Laura brushes it off as “just a little nip.” Mary doesn’t understand why Jasper turned wild. Laura brushes that off, too, and says he was upset about being caged. Well, duh, half pint. She also blames Jack for barking at Jasper, “making him want to fight.” Mary points out that Jasper is gone now, but Laura thinks he’ll come back. Mary says he’d better not. If Pa finds out that Jasper bit both Laura and Jack, he’ll really be mad.
Here Come the Secrets
Laura tells Mary not to tell Pa, but Mary yells that they have to. Laura tells Mary it’s just a scratch, but Mary corrects her, saying, “It’s a bite.” Laura points to Jack and says, “he’s not hurting,” which makes me a little ragey because will anyone think of this dog who has only been trying to protect the family from this wild raccoon?
Laura tells Mary that if they tell Pa, Pa won’t let her keep Jasper when he comes back. You think, Laura? Mary says that it’s not right not to tell. Laura tries the guilt approach. “Do you want me to lose Jasper?” she asks. Mary thinks she already did. Touche. Laura just knows he’ll come back, and Mary agrees to keep Laura’s secret.
Laura tells Mary that she’ll just tell Pa that she opened the cage and Jasper ran out, and that’s the truth. Except it isn’t Laura, is it?
Outside, Jack nurses his paw with some obviously fake blood on it, while Laura calls around for Jasper. Jack follows, and Laura yells at him to go home.
Laura doesn’t deserve this dog.
Fake Jasper Rides Again
It’s nighttime, and the Ma puts Carrie to bed while the girls do their homework. Laura is still sad about Jasper leaving his House of Abuse and tells Pa he’s come back before. Well. Maybe he’s learned his lesson this time. Pa pets Jack, who is sitting on his lap, and tells Laura that Jasper belongs in the woods. Pa tells Laura she has her best friend, Jack, and Laura says it’s all his fault that Jasper is gone.
Mary yells out that it wasn’t Jack’s fault. Jasper bit him. Uh oh. Laura reminds Mary that she promised not to tell.
Pa wants the deets. And tells Laura with a smile that a raccoon like Jasper could tear a dog apart, and it’s better for everyone that Jasper is gone, and it’s better for Jasper. Pa’s so wishy washy.
A raccoon gets into the hen house, and Jack begins to bark. Laura tells him to be quiet. No, Laura, you be quiet. Jack is a good boy.
Fake Jasper continues to terrorize the chickens, causing shirtless Pa to go outside into the chilly night to investigate. Lanternless, Pa walks among dead chickens and then peers into the empty dark barn. He lights a lantern and spies hay falling from between the boards in the loft. The tension music builds as Pa climbs the ladder into the loft. Fake Jasper hisses and lunges at Pa, and Pa brutally pitchforks him to death. Ma, Laura, and Mary look on from the doorway, and Pa tells her to go back into the house.
But What About Jack?
Inside, Ma rocks a distraught Laura. Pa comes in and says in a very low voice that he knows it’s a sorrowful thing, but he didn’t have a choice. Laura blames herself by saying she spoiled Jasper on eggs, and Pa tells her that Jasper isn’t the first raccoon to go after chickens. It’s in his nature. Laura tells Pa he was right. Laura’s a girl who likes to learn a lesson the hard way.
Fully dressed, Pa is sitting on the floor of the barn petting Jack. Ma comes in and tells him Laura is asleep. As Ma approaches, Pa tells her to stay back. He tells her the raccoon was rabid. Which is why he buried him and the chickens so fast. He didn’t want anyone to touch them. Ma wants to know why Pa tied up Jack, and Pa tells her that the raccoon bit Jack. Pa looks about ready to cry, and I am glad to see someone showing emotion and caring where Jack is concerned.
The next morning, Mary goes out to feed the remaining chickens. She hears Jack barking from inside the barn and goes to investigate. She sees Jack tied up and hunches down to untie him. Honestly, Mary, did you not learn anything from the Little House on the Prairie Pilot? You don’t untie Jack without permission.
Pa comes in, unironically carrying his pitchfork, and tells Mary to leave him be. Pa tells her that there’s a chance he could have rabies. A crying Mary tells Pa that it wasn’t much of a bite, but Pa says it just has to break the skin. Uh oh.
Mary asks Pa if people can get rabies from a bite. When he confirms this, she breaks down and tells him that Laura has also been bitten. Pa wants to know why she never said anything, and Mary says she made a promise to Laura.
See? Nothing good comes from secrets.
An undisclosed period of time later, we see Laura and Carrie sitting inside a wagon outside of Doc Baker’s office. The doctor examines the bite and says they should start treatment immediately. The doctor gives Laura a gumdrop and then two more for her sisters. He prescribes bed rest and then sends her outside so he can tell her parents she’s dying.
After Laura leaves, he tells them it’s too early to know for sure. He wants them to keep an eye on Jack because it takes about 8 days to determine if a dog has rabies, while it can take a couple of weeks for a girl of Laura’s age. If Jack doesn’t develop rabies, chances are Laura won’t either.
Ma asks what kind of treatment the doctor will give Laura if tworse comes to worst. Pa gives her a look and says, “There is no treatment.”
Today’s Tension is Brought to You By (Maybe) Rabies
At home, Laura is in a nightcap and gown, being put to bed in broad daylight because she may or may not have rabies. She asks what will happen to her, and Pa jokes about her turning into a raccoon, which Laura finds amusing but tells Pa he’s teasing because he doesn’t want her to know. Jack is tied up because Jasper was sick when he bit him. Pa says there’s a chance Jack might be a little sick. Laura asks if she’s going to get sick too, and Pa tells her he doesn’t know. But they’ll pray that she doesn’t.
To add a bit more drama to the situation, Pa brings water to Jack, who isn’t thirsty. Back in Laura’s loft, Ma and Laura are, I guess, playing some sort of word association game that has to do with beverages, and I have to wonder how often Laura has orange juice. Minnesota isn’t exactly known for its bustling citrus trade.
While Ma tends to a not very sick-looking Laura, Mary reads to Carrie. Everyone looks up when Pa walks in from the barn. Though we only see the back of his head, we know his face must be sharing the bad news that Jack isn’t drinking his water.
Maybe Jack’s just protesting all the mean treatment he’s been receiving lately. I mean, in the past weeks, he’s been pushed away, told to shut up, viciously attacked, and now, he’s rewarded for trying to protect the family by being tied up in the barn. Sarah McLaughlin and I feel you, Jack.
Dramatic music ensues as the camera shows Pa through the open front door, head in hands. Wait? What’s that? Is Jack barking? Pa slowly walks out the door to see Jack barking in the doorway of the barn, where he lies down. Sadly, Pa looks up at Mary in her bedroom window as she, also sadly, closes the shutter. As Pa walks by his bedroom window, we see Ma kneeling beside, praying.
In bed, Mary asks Laura if she hates her. She wouldn’t blame her if she did. Laura tells Mary she’s her sister, and Guilty Mary says she’s the worst sister ever for bringing Jasper home in the first place. Plus, she didn’t tell Pa that Laura was bitten, and then she did tell Pa after promising she wouldn’t. Laura lets her off the hook for breaking her promises by telling Mary she did what she had to do, and she’s the very best sister. Tears and hugs all around.
Laura is Thirsty
It’s still dark out. Is it the same night? I’m not sure. Ma is cleaning the barn using the murderous pitchfork. Pa comes in and holds her as she cries. Mary comes in and says that Laura is thirsty. Ma cries that it’s a sign. Pa tells her it’s not a sign. It’s just being thirsty. Pa brings Laura some water and asks her how she’s feeling, and she tells him, “not so thirsty anymore. Just tired.” The family looks on in sadness as Pa tells Laura to lie down.
Jack is again barking in the barn. With a look of doom on his face, Pa opens the shutter and looks out the loft window to a tied-up Jack jumping around. Pa is visibly shaken, and Laura and Mary have tears in their eyes. Pa gets up and exits the loft, telling everyone to stay up there. He reaches for his rifle because Jack deserves a more dignified death than a pitchfork. The girls are inconsolable, but Ma tries.
In the barn, Pa raises his shotgun. Jack whines and lies down. As Pa takes aim, Jasper, the real one, jumps out of the barn loft and plays peekaboo. “Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!” Pa cries and runs up to the house, up the ladder, and tells everyone it’s alright.
Could you please untie poor, abused Jack now?
Pa tells everyone that there were two raccoons. The rabid one that killed the chickens wasn’t Jasper. Laura is not going to start foaming at the mouth. Hugs and happy tears ensue, and Pa finally sends Laura down to untie Jack, who is entirely too forgiving if you ask me. Laura finally hugs her dog as the camera pans away.