In the world of the ABC Afterschool Special, “Stoned” may be the episode I remember the most from my teens. Though ABC Afterschool specials ran through the mid-90s, I really only remember some of the episodes that ran in the mid to late 70s and early 80s.
For those not in the know, the ABC Afterschool Special was like a one-off Very Special Episode. Basically, they were 60-90 minute films that touched on social issues such as drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure.
ABC After School Special: “Stoned” Starring Scott Baio
The first ABC Afterschool Special we’re recapping here is “Stoned,” starring Chachi himself, Scott Baio. “Stoned” was touted as an anti-drug feature, which is funny when you consider how many states have legalized weed since this aired.
We open with Scott Baio, shirtless, wearing shorts, rowing a boat called the S.S. Melon, and telling bad jokes while his brother Mike swims next to him. Apparently, the brother is training for a swim match or matches. I don’t know, but Scott Baio has high hopes for his brother and says he’s going to be the State Champion. No pressure, Mike.
Scott Baio Goes to School
After the opening credits, a bespectacled Scott Baio, whose character name we still don’t know, and his brother Mike are walking to school, lunch bags swinging. Mike wants to buy Billy’s Mustang, but can’t unless Billy comes down $100. Scott Baio offers to give his brother money from his savings. That Scott Baio is a good boy. He helps big brother train and wants to help him buy a car. I can tell you that I don’t think any of my siblings would be so forthcoming. Mike thinks he can get Billy to come down in price, but if he can’t, he’s going to keep Scott Baio’s offer in his back pocket.
Scott Baio asks Mike if they’ll meet for lunch, and Mike wonders if he can’t find anyone else to sit with at lunch. I can see where this is going. Mike tells Scott Baio that he’s going away to college next year, and he’s going to have to find someone else to eat lunch with. “Next year is next year,” said Scott Baio.
We should also note that Scott Baio is wearing a button-down shirt, buttoned up to his chin, with pens and other school supplies in his shirt pocket. Not the type of guy who would have joined my friends and me in the smoking area. At least not yet.
Scott Baio Meets the Bully
Scott Baio walks through the hall and puts his book in his locker. While he’s staring at a blonde girl that he’s obviously crushing on, someone walks into him and knocks him over, books and a lunch bag all over the floor. “Watch where you’re going, Melon. Melon Head,” said the kid whom we will call “The Bully” until we learn his real name. Scott Baio walks, picks up his books, and walks down the hall.
“Can I buy a few joints?” a random stoner asks The Bully, who says they are $1 each, which I can confirm was the going rate in 1980. Or so people tell me. They are in a bathroom stall. The Stoner buys six. The dealer takes six joints out of his skateboard, and the bathroom door opens, and Scott Baio walks in. He unbuttons his top button and washes his hands.
The Bully and The Stoner look above the stall at Scott Baio while the bully asks, “Melonhead, want to try some? Might turn you into a Casanova?” The Bully and the Stoner laugh. “Why not? What are you afraid of?” Scott Baio says he doesn’t like it. “How do you know you don’t like it if you never tried it?” The Stoner asks. “I don’t have to eat dirt to know I don’t like it, ” Scott Baio responds. “Very good,” the Stoner claps. “Did your goody-goody brother Mike tell you that one?” The Bully gives a last chance to try, and Scott Baio walks out.
Scott Baio Crushes on the New Girl
We’re in class. Scott Baio is seated and looks longingly at the blonde he was checking out before. They must be in Spanish class because the teacher talks to the class in Spanish. But this is a cool teacher because he’s sitting on the desk. The teacher introduces a new girl to the class – the cute blonde – whose name is Felicity Nodell. Finally, someone else besides Mike and Billy has a name.
The teacher has everyone welcomes Felicity and then passes out everyone’s tests from last Friday. I take it back about this being a cool teacher if he assigns tests on Friday. He’s very disappointed by the test scores.
The Bully is head down on the desk. The teacher wakes him and says something in Spanish. The Bully responds that he didn’t get much sleep last night. The teacher makes him say it in Spanish and asks, in Spanish, if he needs to go to the nurse. The Bully does not. The teacher makes him stand because you can’t sleep while standing. The Bully asks if he needs to stand for the whole class, and the teacher loses it and yells, “If you don’t want to stand, don’t come to this class stoned,” while his friends look like they don’t know him.
Sitting on a step as school lets out, Scott Baio looks through a book and begins reading until his brother comes out. “Mike, you ever smoke grass?” Scott Baio asks. Mike said he smoked it a couple of times, but he didn’t like it because it made him feel paranoid and not in control. The two play-fight in the grass.
Scott Baio Has a Name, It’s Jack
At dinner, the topic is all about swim meets. “Jack, eat your broccoli,” his father says. Ah. His name is Jack. Jack Melon. “Mom never made me eat my broccoli,” Jack said. Ok. So the mother is not around. This story is starting to have all the elements of a troubled childhood. “Eat it anyway,” his father tells him before turning back to Mike and telling him that after practice on Saturday, he’ll take him to work out. “Hey, Dad, I got 93 on my Spanish test,” interrupted Jack, hoping for some of the focus. Dad said that was good before turning back to Mike.
Walking back to school the next day, Jack asks his brother about the first time he spoke with his now girlfriend. “Who is she?” Mike asked, and Jack told him about Felicity. He tells his brother that she’s new in school, so he figures he has a chance before everyone tells her he’s a melon head. Mike wants to know who called Jack a melon head and tells Jack he’s just a little shy and there’s nothing wrong with being shy. He suggests Jack tell her some of his jokes.
In the hall, Jack stops by Felicity’s locker. “What do you put on a sick pig?” he asks. “Are you talking to me?” Felicity asks. “Oinkment. That’s what you put on a sick pig,” Jack says. Felicity looks less than impressed, and Jack runs into the nearest room.
At home, Mike is washing his new Mustang. That was quick. The brothers get into the car. “I’ll see you at dinner,” Mike says. Jack thought they would bum around, but Mike couldn’t because the coach called an extra swim practice. Jack says they can do it tomorrow after laps, but there will be no laps tomorrow because Mike is taking Donna to the lake. Billy’s father is taking them saltwater skiing. At the lake. Saltwater skiing at the lake. He’d invite Jack to come, but, you know. “Yeah, I know,” said Jack. And we all know where this is headed.
At school, the stoners walk across the lawn. “Hi,” says Jack. “Yeah, I am,” says The Bully. Ah yes, the stoner cliche. It never gets old.
“Where’s your idol?” The Stoner asks, referring to Mike.
“Can you believe this?” says The Bully. “I’ve come to school without paper.” The Bully’s curly-haired sidekick asks Jack if he has papers. Indeed, he does, and Jack proceeds to open his binder. They all laugh at him. Oh, Jack, they weren’t looking for looseleaf. They need Bambooks or EZ Widers.
Jack Melon Gets Stoned
In the family basement, Mike works out. Jack asks if he’s afraid of hurting himself. Mike invites him to work out, but Jack says he doesn’t need muscles because he has brains. He asks Mike if he’ll be working out all afternoon. He thought they could do something together. Mike shusses him. He needs to concentrate and tells him to pick up some weights. Jack throws darts instead. Mike tells him not to wait for him. Jack wants to do something later, but Mike tells him he’s going out. Alone. He has a meet coming up and wants to be alone. Jack kind of makes a pain in the butt of himself, and Mike loses it and tells Jack he doesn’t need to fill every moment of his life.
Jack walks out and kicks a can down the sidewalk. Now this is productive. He spies the Stoner Trio and walks over to them. Because wouldn’t you walk over to hang out with people who make fun of you all the time?
The Stoner Trio asks Jack what he’s doing there, and he tells them he’s just walking around. The Stoner hands him a joint and says, “Smoke this,” and Jack does. And coughs. They tell him to take it slow and to hold it in. Jack does but doesn’t feel anything. They tell him it doesn’t always take the first time.
The Bully tells Jack that if he really wants to get high, he should stop by his house tomorrow. At Home, Mike is cooking on the grill, and Jack brings the dishes out to set the table. Mike insists on doing it for him, and that was it for that throwaway scene.
The next morning, Jack shows up at The Bully’s house and gets invited in. He tells Jack his parents are working. They sit at the kitchen table and smoke up. The Bully teaches Jack how to inhale and hold the smoke in. The Bully brings out the bong and lights it. Jack takes a big hit and coughs. Oh, he’s feeling something now. He has the munchies and helps himself to cereal straight from the box.
“Everything is Green”
“Everything is green,” Jack says, looking out the window while honing in on a tree that he thinks looks like one of his teachers. “Grass makes things clearer,” The Bully tells him. He turns up the music and begins to sing and drum on the table while Jack has another bong hit. The two of them bop to the music and smoke up. The song is about getting stoned.
At school, a stoned Scott Baio can’t open his locker, which is hysterical to him and his new bestie. “What’s the combination?” former bully, New Bestie asks. “If I knew that I could open it,” said Jack. Laughter ensues. New Bestie wants to know what Jack has first period. Jack tells him about gym class. “You can’t go to gym like this,” New Bestie says. Jack goes to gym class.
As Jack walks to class, he spies Felicity in a classroom and smiles at her through the doorway. She smiles back. “Hi,” he says and acts a little goofy before running when the teacher comes out to see what’s up. After that, he begins running around outside and swinging on swings while calling out “Super Jack.”
Jack Finds His People
The Stoner Trio is now a quartet. Singing together in a bathroom stall.
After school, Felicity is dancing around her backyard. Scott Baio leans against a tree, watching while he smokes a joint, which isn’t creepy at all. Putting his joint away, Scott Baio rides his skateboard up to dancing Felicity and creeps into her backyard. Clapping. “Remember me,” he asks. The two of them banter for a while. I won’t repeat it. They like each other. Adorbs.
Spanish class. Jack is sleeping. His teacher asks if he’s ok. Then he gets it. Lost another student to the evils of weed.
Jack walks with Felicity after school. Mind you, he isn’t looking as buttoned up as he used to. He and Felicity discuss her name. Jack tells Felicity she’s beautiful and quotes Romeo and Juliet before riding off into the sunset, or at least pretending to.
Casual Doug Would Like a Word
We are back at school again. I don’t know how many days later. They never let us know these things. Spanish class is being held outside. The teacher wanted to address the class informally. In fact, he has his tie unknotted for the occasion. He said that he is not Senor David today, he is just Doug. Which went over just as well as you would expect. He’s there to talk about a plant with a Spanish name that’s getting in the way of his teaching. It’s called….marijuana.
“Marijuana? What’s that, another new girl in school, Doug?” Jack calls out. Casual Doug tells Jack he’s very funny lately and that when you’re stoned, everything is very funny. He tells the class that he smoked in the past, and he quit because grass made things seem better when they weren’t.
The teacher smoked because his parents split up, and it hit him hard. He said he was running away from his problems, and when he came down, his parents were still getting divorced. “But you had fun in the meantime,” one of the stoners called out. “It wasn’t worth it, ” Casual Doug explained. He also told them about government surveys where they think grass can cause chromosome damage or sterility in males or birth defects in women. The camera pans around the class, listening attentively. “A guy may not be able to have kids if he smokes a lot?” someone asks. “They’re just trying to fool us,” a stoner responds.
Casual Doug tells the class that if they get stoned every time they have a problem, they’re never going to learn how to deal with it. The Stoner Quartet isn’t impressed. “Oh no,” Jack says a little while later as he smokes a joint with his new friends. “Now I’m never going to know what I’m capable of!” His friends all laugh.
Jack Blows it With Felicity
The guys see Felicity and encourage Jack to call her over. He does. We learn that The Bully’s name is Teddy and The Stoner is Alan. Nice to meet you, fellas. Felicity says hello and introduces her friend Amy. The guys drop a fake spider on her and laugh when she screams. Feilcity walks away.
A random morning later, Jack and Teddy lay on someone’s floor watching TV. Jack mentions that he flunked his Spanish test. “Are you planning on going to Spain?” Teddy asks. “Then so what? Jack mentions that Old Doug knows that he was stoned. Teddy suggests that Jack begin intercepting his mail because old Doug sent a letter to Teddy’s dad. I want to add that Jack’s appearance has changed even more. He’s now wearing a t-shirt with the collar and sleeves cut off.
Teddy isn’t feeling up to school and blows it off to sleep. Jack thinks he should rest up, too. Later, he is at school waiting for Felicity. He says hello and suggests she shouldn’t still be mad about the spider incident. It was just a joke. When she says he was stoned, he admits he was ripped. “Is that why you’ve been cutting school so much lately?” she asks. Indeed, it is.
Felicity asks Jack if he was high when they met, and he admits he was. “You just can’t be you, can you, Jack?” She tells him that she’s standing there talking to him, and she doesn’t even know who he is. “I’m me,” Jack says. She said she liked him, but it wasn’t really him at all, and walked off.
In Which Jack Almost Kills His Brother
Another random morning. Maybe a weekend. Jack starts his morning with Ice cream. “A bowl of ice cream at 10:30 in the morning?” Jack’s Dad asks, and Jack says he had the munchies. His dad tells him he’s going to get fat. Mike and Donna enter the room. Mike wants to know why Jack doesn’t eat something healthy like an apple. “Why should I?” Jack asks. “I don’t have a big swim meet in two days.”
Jack digs into his ice cream. Mike asks him if he’s high, and Jack tells him to go out and have a picnic with his girlfriend and leave him alone. Mike asks again, and Jack tells him it’s none of his business. Jack brings in the mail and intercepts a letter that came. His brother wants to know what got into him lately.
Later, Mike asks Jack to do laps with him, and Jack agrees and then smokes up in his room. Dude. Even I knew better than to do that in my room. At the lake, Jack attempts to row the boat while Mike swims and can’t manage it. Jack whacks Mike in the head with his paddle, and Mike goes under. It takes a second before Jack realizes he can’t see his brother. He jumps in the water and looks around for him. He can’t find him and starts screaming for help.
Jack is No Longer Stoned
Going back in the water, Jack finds his brother and brings him to the surface. Mike wakes in the hospital with a broken nose and a huge bruise on his face. He asks Jack what happened, and Jack tells him that he hit him with the oar. It’s time for his moment of clarity, “you could have died, ” he said. “I was stoned.”
“Do you know how hard I trained for this meet?” Miked cried. “It’s all over because you were stoned!” and yelled at Jack to get out of their room. The boy’s father shows up and wants to know what happened. Mike says they were clowning around, and he ran into a tree, and Jack saved his life. Jack allows it, I wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.
At school, Teddy tells Jack he has some dynamite smoke. Jack hard passes. Jack walks to Felicity and introduces himself as “Plain old Jack.” “Nice to meet you, Jack. I’m just plain Felicity. They walk off down the path as credits roll.
